惹人厌恶的人-我

我又开始发挥我的想象力了。。好可悲哦。。。
感觉我是一个很寂寞的人，觉得好无助。。。
好想哭。。。
我没有联络我的姐妹感觉很久了。。。
总觉得我和他们三个的友谊淡了。。。
是我没有主动跟他们联系的问题吧。。。
可是我不想打扰到他们谈恋爱。。。
总觉得被他们讨厌了。。。
可是这只是我的幻想，并不知道是不是真的。。。
满想念他们的。。。
每一想到他们，觉得我自己好差劲哦。。。
尽然会有怕朋友有恋人就不敢靠近他们，有过的经验使我变成这样。。。
真的好差劲，向克服却也克服不了。。。
看到他们或者跟他们聊天都会想起他们有恋人，不能太亲近。。。
是我的问题吧。。。
是的绝对是我的问题。。。
有问题不说放在心里还真是痛苦啊。。。
不过没关系了，因为已经麻痹了。。。
从小到大都一直是这样，习惯了。。。。
希望可以把这个感觉给忘掉，再一次面对他们，会是一看起来没事似的，一定可以。。。
使用那一招这么多年了，都没有破绽，下次见面一定可以的。。。
希望一切都安好。。。

the last day in my holiday

sunday is last time i can play cuz monday noon i bec lo...
sunday morning me,shean and kai xian came out eat dim sum...we eat a lot and talk a lot hehe...kai xian is the guy very hard 2 find and meet him so i wish 2 meet him before i bec then my wish come true...
after that we ddecide come out again at 4.30pm 2 watch a movie before i bec which is the prince of persia at jusco...we aso eat dinner before we watch the movie at shi lin taiwan xiao chi...the food is very nice and we aso brought some food 2 the cinema dis is the 1st time 1 broke the rule i'm quick scare..but fun..the movie is very nice no regret 2 c and i aso still wan 2 c a lot of movie that still coming soon wait for me ooo....

i finally went 2 penang

oh yeah...oh le le le....
i finally went 2 penang lo... i wait dis time for so long finally hav some 1 wan take me 2 penang although just hav half day but i very fun..
we go 2 gurney 2 watch 3D, the movie name is shrek4....there r no more movie le for 3D...so before we go 2 gurney, we wait for some 1 she is from selama...then we eat at honey bakery(kulim) then we just start going...the food at there cannot eat at all...dunno wat they cook aso...==
the movie is very funny and nice...the 3D movie is different 2 the normal movie..when we go inside the workers will giv u a spectacles...if u didn't wear dis u will see the screen hav some bluer but when u wear it the things is look like real..it so amazing...if they throw something it looks like they throw at u..so great the feeling but is not the feeling that they throw something at u is fun la..
then we go eat midnight snack yeh...we choose a place that near the beach, our seat aso close 2 the sea...i thought if we choose there we can feel the sea breeze but dis is the wrong thinkng there is no sea breeze there just hav hot air we feel very hot!!!
then we order food my fren order a chicken chop which the chicken inside has cheese...oh man it is very delicious i hav eat many knids of chicken chop dis 1 is the most delicious and special chicken chop i haven eat...
then i order beef steak man it is very hard 2 chew i almost swallow all...man dis is the 1st time i swallow beef steak next time i came i better choose my fren 1...very nice...
then we go bec by ferry...man we hav wait the ferry for 2 hours 1 of my fren almost loose his patient haha..then we fetch our selama fren bec...her place is very far that we thought she lives in selama perak not selama kedah more than we thought so when i bec it was 2.30am le....so tired but very happy aso and thx my fren for invite me and feast me for everything thx...hehe happy....

my birthday

oh yeah long time no write le...now i wan 2 write about my birthday day...

my best fren teng, shin and li help me celebrate at winter warmer, auto city...they aso invite 2 guys which aso my fren, jian long (teng's boyfren now) and zhong an (li's boyfren now)...i like the winter warmer restaurant's food cuz they use lavender which is my favourite food 2 cook...

i order salad, cheese cake, tea, spaghetti and cookies...all the food i order are made by lavender except spaghetti but the spaghetti aso nice is different compare 2 the others...dis is the most i like... i hope i can go there again maybe tea time aso can..hehe..

1st time they let me see the winter warmer's website the indoor design is very nice it looks like england classicism style but when i went there it totally dissapointed me the place does not look like the same thing that i was saw in the website but i still love their food hehe...

i feel very happy...dis is the 1st time i feel the happiest in my birthday cuz i can eat some food that related with the lavender..

oh ya before we went 2 the restaurant we go shopping for a while auto city cuz we want 2 buy rings...we want 4 of us wear the same ring finally we found 1...it looks simple and cool..when we wear it it look so stylish so we like it very much..

黑暗

taskede...我又掉进黑暗的深谷里了...真是可笑啊！！那是自找的吧...对是自找的...还是从来都没有离开过那黑暗的地方...好黑好黑真的好黑...没有人会来救我的...这是只有自己的地方...记得初中一的时候，有一个女孩看穿我的面具，我被吓到了，从来没有有人会跟我这样说，因为都没有人注意...当时我还跟他说，你误会了，那是真的笑容...从那时候开始就一直加强自己的面具，不想让人看到我软弱的一面，我是真的很弱，可是一定要比别人跟坚强，那才能生活在这个世界上...早熟的我，懂得比别人多，又不能表达出来，只能一直装傻瓜，小孩子的样子，幼稚的行为....哈哈...我还真的幼稚，天真的以为儿童不好的时光可以再回来，可是渐渐地长大，却发现那是不可能的了，时间已经不允许我在等了...小时候的阴影还真难走出来，不过出来了没也没有用...儿童的心灵一旦被阴影覆盖过都很难被解救,我岑是一个傻子,自己跟自己讲话,我那时候说,我要保持冷静,不能被迷失,不然会真的变疯的,所以小时候就决定了一个决定,那就是让所有人认识我的人都讨厌我,一直以来都成功,可是却让我遇到四个怪胎,再增氧弄他们都不能让他们讨厌我,还真的是失败啊!同时我也明白了,不让人讨厌我反而要对我好,这就是认识他们之后的结论...这样子让我舒服很多,真是多谢他们...

不过现在我又掉到谷里了，怎么办...要就只能自救，没有人帮得了你...我一直都很希望我能失忆，忘了自己以前的悲哀，伤痛，从新生活在意愉快的世界里，但是不可能，因为这是并没有放生在我的世界里，每次看到暴力或者很相似的背影都会发抖，无意识地想到以前的我...正是无药可救啊我...不要去想不就行了吗？可是没有用还是会想...算了吧，你梦想会有人来拉你一把，现实的生活的残酷你有不是没有看过，阴影的存在就这样继续地留着吧！

笑...有虽能教我真真的笑？？？大多数的人都会问我，为什么不要笑？我说，我不会笑。你们信不信，有谁不会笑的，可是我晓得都不是发自内心，因为我一直知道我的情感都不在人界里，是对戏，漫画，小说才有感觉，不会笑的人才会有很大的黑暗世界，一个人被关在黑暗的世界里是孤单的，所以我喜欢一个人，但是同时的，我讨厌黑暗，让我没有安全感，每次都要找，可是都找不到，只有自保...

今天我做了善事，很开心，虽然只捐一块钱给他们，但是还是很开心因为我中又有可以帮到人了...以前吗一直不让我捐钱，都说要钱自己去找，我说那些是没手没脚的，可他又说可能是骗子，我无话可说，从小善良的我，没能帮到人家，很想去老人院，很想去孤儿院以及残缺人士的地方，不过就想去的还是孤儿院，因为我曾感觉过自己是无父无母的，那种感受很了解，希望他们会好好地走上自己的人生，好好的生活....我妈很怕我以善良的心做每件事，但是我都没有听他的因为我知道我帮人的次数有限...

为什么会掉到谷里？我不知道就心情很down，不想跟某人吵架，可是又不行，看到某人就想讲，可是某人不能忍受就发大小姐脾气，我的忍耐有限，就是不爽某人，算了...

也不知这，突然想到自己的无能，以及为什幺被带到这个世界生活，我活下来是要做什么的，感受七情六欲，痛苦等等...我想这就是所谓的因果吧！那我只好接受挑战了...可是还是希望有人来taskede...taskede....

hopeful

wah so happy yesterday i saw my plkn's teacher...
she still remember me yo so happy hehe...
but unfortunately cannot chatting so long haiz..
hope can go 2 c them agaian
and i want 2 visit all the teacher that had help me a lot...
hope so can do that...
sad exam wan come le new year aso wan come le
hope faster exam and get the high marks then new year get a lot of ang pau haha...
the most i expect is the 1st night wonder how fun it will be...
hope u all can do better the prom night...

wat i'm thinking

my brain very confused dunno wan 2 do wat
know wan 2 study but cannot remember anythings
i just feel like an empty shell not thing in my body
no direction at all
know this is wrong but brain dun wan follow wat heart's order
i wan study cannot keep like that ah...
sometimes i will think y i study
cannot search the result
so i think is for my parents but study is for our self not for ppl
i dun wan let my parents disappointed plz hooi ling wake up do the right things